A father and a nun were playing golf.
The father teed up and missed the ball when he swung and said ”shit i missed” and kept missing and saying ”shit i missed”.
Finally the nun said: ”Father, if you say that one more time god will surely strike you down!”
So when the preist swung again he said ”shit i missed” a lightning bolt came down and killed the nun and a booming voice from the sky said ”shit i missed.”
A church and its congregation were gathered on Sunday.
After the sermon, the pastor said, ”Next week’s sermon is going to be about the sin of lying. To help you understand, I would like you all to read Mark 17.”
The following week the pastor asked for everyone who read Mark 17 to raise their hands.
All hands went up.
The pastor then said, ”Mark has only 16 chapters.
Now, I will begin my sermon on the sin of lying.”
A blonde and a redhead were watching the 6 o’clock news.
A man was shown threatening to jump from a Bridge.
The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn’t jump.
Anyway, sure enough he jumped so the blonde gave the redhead her $50.
Then the redhead said ”I cant take this from you, your my friend”.
The blonde said ”No, a bets a bet”.
So the redhead said ”Listen, I have to admit.. I saw this one on the 5 o’clock news so I cant take your money”.
The blonde replied ”Well so did I but I never thought hed jump again”.
A girl walks into a supermarket and buys the following:
~ 1 bar of soap
~ 1 toothbrush
~ 1 loaf of bread
~ 1 pint of milk
~ 1 single serving of cereal
~ 1 songle frozen dinner
The check out guy looks at her and says ”single huh??”.
The girl smiles sheepishly and replys ”How’d you guess ?”.
He says… ” because your ugly”
A guy walked out to get his mail in the morning. He turns around and there’s a gorilla. So he runs back inside, opens the yellow pages, finds the only gorilla exterminator in town, and calls him.
The exterminator arrives in a little truck towing a cage.
The exterminator has a ladder, a gun, and a dog.
The guy says, ”How are you going to get the gorilla off my roof?”
”I am going to put the ladder up against the side of the house, get up there, wrestle the gorilla, and toss him off the side of the house. When the gorilla hits the ground, the dog is trained to grab the gorilla by his balls and drag him into the cage.”
”What is the gun for then?”
”If the gorilla throws me off the roof first, shoot the dog before I hit the ground!”
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game and asked her how she liked it.
”Oh, I really liked it. Especially the tight pants and all the big muscles. But I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.”
Dumbfounded, he asked: ”What do you mean?”
”Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: ”Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!” I’m like….Helloooooo? It’s only 25 cents!!!!!”
Jag har en app i telefonen som heter ”Funny jokes”. Det är alltid lika roligt att kika runt och se vad man hittar för historier och skämt. Jag har tänkt att jag kunde dela med mig lite av de skämt som jag gett mig några skratt. Inte alla på en gång, men lite då och då. Visserligen är alla på engelska och jag tänker inte översätta dem för då kan ju hela poängen försvinna. Jag hoppas att det går bra ändå.
A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decides to test it at dinner.
DAD: Son, where were you today during school hours?
SON: At school*Robot slaps Son*
SON: OK,I went to the movies.
DAD: Which one?
SON: Toy Story*Robot slaps son again*
SON: OK, it was Day with a Porn Star.
DAD: WHAT? When I was your age I didn’t even know what porn was!*Robot slaps Dad*
MOM: HAHA! After all he’s your son.*Robot slaps mom*
